


almost everything I wish I'd said the last time I saw you

by zialling



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, THIS IS A ZIALL STORY ALRIGHT, and harry's an proper angel in this, and then there's liam and his heart, badass!zayn becomes pining!zayn, don't forget our precious!louis, name change sorry, niall's got some problems to solve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-14 16:59:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zialling/pseuds/zialling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Before this it’d been like loading a gun, waiting for the right moment to shoot. The right moment to hit the target; the right moment to kill. A desperate, fucking crushing night in a stranger’s apartment and a morning after with the same clothes but different smell was enough evidence"</p><p>Zayn gets kicked out of One Direction due to causing way too much trouble (and breaking Niall's heart, but no one really dares to talk about that. Except for Liam)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I know you want to stay in bed but it’s light outside

**Author's Note:**

> My first proper story on here.  
> English's not my native language, so I apologise in advance for mistakes.  
> (And I haven't proof-read it as I really want to get this published before I leave home tomorrow)  
> Hope you enjoy :)
> 
> The work title and the chapter titles are from different Wakey!Wakey! songs.

Maybe it started with the smoking. Pushing the limits according to management, yeah, but it was alright. Something about "yeh got the right to do whatever you wan’, but don’t let the smoke blow in their faces, lads". The rudeness and ignorance on twitter and in interviews followed quickly. The careless attitude not being pleasing in the industry. 

Then, the vandalizing of that one hotel room in Australia. A broken telly, a smashed mirror, smoke stuck to the walls. It was probably here it went downhill, the beginning of the end, the placing of the gun in the holster. Followed by the drugs in the back of the car. They found him and let the world find him as well, the day after. They threatened him here. Said he gave them all a bad reputation: "this is for kids, your fanbase are fucking kids, you git". Thought to take away the things he loved; effect not pleasing, neither this time. They made him work harder, rest less, anything to keep him busy from ‘causing damage’. 

Before this it’d been like loading a gun, waiting for the right moment to shoot. The right moment to hit the target; the right moment to kill. A desperate, fucking crushing night in a stranger’s apartment and a morning after with the same clothes but different smell was enough evidence. But it wasn’t like that was a too bad of a slip up, meaning they’d all done it once or twice. What caused, forced and wrecked, the bullet out of the gun was the cheating. The cruel killing of a band mate’s heart. Stamped on, ignored, devastated. One night was enough to break Niall’s heart. And it was also enough to kick Zayn out of One Direction.  
~  
The sunrays find their way through, around and even between the poorly helping curtains and they attack Niall’s closed eyes. He groans in annoyance because, fuck, it’s probably early and he really wants to sleep a little bit longer and it’s actually disgustingly warm and he just doesn’t want to wake up. He throws the blanket off his only boxer clad body, rolling into the body next to him in the process. Another groan escapes his lips as the other person’s skin is just as hot as his own and since when did England get so warm? He turns around so he’s facing the wall and puts the cold side of the pillow over his head, desperate to cool down and to just fall back into his precious sleep. But he has barely had time to drift into the half-dream state before an shrieking noise fills the room and the alarm clock announces that it’s actually time to get their asses out of bed and get ready. Niall ignores it because he still doesn’t want to move and shit, why doesn’t Liam turn off the damn alarm? He gathers energy enough to put a hand on the back of said boy and pushes him further away, silently egging him to do something about the terrible noise that’s piecing his ears and really, he gets enough of this at their endless amount of concerts (not that his fans’ screaming are as bad as this alarm, but still, his ears hurt).  
Suddenly there’s only the ring of sound that’s left after a noise like that and Niall sighs contently and sinks deeper into the bed, if that’s possible. Finally, he can go back to sleep. At least he thought so, because again, he’s interrupted. “It’s time to get up, babe. We have a tight schedule today”. A pair of soft lips is pressing tender kisses over his upper arm and how come Liam’s so happy and irritatingly cheery in the morning? “Nialler, it’s a gorgeous day, the sun’s shining and everything. C’mon, get up.” He keeps speaking between the kisses and they do feel soothing against his skin, but they’re not enough for him to change his mind. He can practically hear how Liam’s frowning, worrying as usual, as every other day. Because he never wants to wake up, he knows he’s a pain in the ass to his boyfriend, but he can’t bring himself to really care.  
The kisses have now moved up to his cheek, the pillow gently removed from his head. “Please, love. There’ll be breakfast for you in the car and I’m sure you and Louis can play some footie together after lunch, just please, get up for me”. He doesn’t give up, he never gives up, and Niall doesn’t know how he ended up with Liam, god, he doesn’t how he actually manages to keep him by his side. And he realises that, as he does every morning, that the world solemnly doesn’t revolve around him and he sits up slowly. He’s met by a huge smile and a soft kiss, this time on the lips. He tries to smile back and Liam buys it, if not doubtfully, and announces that he’s heading for the shower, but ‘you should probably get dressed, yeah?’ and he plans to do so as Liam leaves the room, but then again, no. Instead he leans against the cold wall, closing his eyes and he’s back. He’s back in the surrounding smoke and the taste of mint and jet-black hair that falls into eyes and eyes; with lashes surrounding irresistible brown and a burning desire hidden within.  
~  
“Ni, c’mon over here, I’ve got something to show you!” Zayn is shouting from the other side of the room and Niall lights up at the sound of his voice, because it’s Zayn and whatever Zayn wants - Niall wants. So he practically bounces over to his boyfriend, slopping himself down into his lap and wrapping his arms around his neck. “What is it??” He grins and kisses the Bradford boy and is met by a chuckle. “Always just as eager” He jokes but grins back and moves around Niall in his lap a bit to be able to reach the hem of his own shirt. As he begins to undress he’s interrupted by a playful poke in the ribs. “Babes, I’m well aware that your abs is visible since you’ve started working out properly, I saw them latest this morning” Niall’s face is covered by a smug smile, his fingertips dancing over Zayn’s tanned stomach. The raven laughs and, Niall’s eyes fall on how his tongue peak between his teeth and wow he’s so beautiful and, “No, Ni, you idiot. Me and Harry went to the tattoo parlour earlier today and I know I’m not supposed to remove the cover but I really need to show it to you, alright?” The excitement is so clear in his eyes and Niall feels like his heart is going to burst right out of his pounding chest because you’re not supposed to feel this much for only one person and he can’t even follow the worlds that fall out of Zayn’s mouth.  
When Zayn actually removes his shirt enough to reveal his chest, every little part of skin, Niall is back to being fully concentrated on the boy in front of him, and kind of under him, as well. As Zayn carefully, and very slowly, takes away the cover and exposes his body between his chest and collarbones, Niall swears he stops breathing for a second because, fuck, the new tattoo is across the part of Zayn he’s most obscurely obsessed with and there’s wings and a pair of lips in between and he can’t tear his eyes away. The tattoo is very far from healed and it’s stained with blood and it’s probably supposed to be gross but it’s kind of not, it’s sort of sexy and Niall sinks deeper into Zayn’s lap. “You like it?” Said boy asks with a grin, and what an idiot he is, it’s so obvious that he’s never seen anything more gorgeous and he wants to lick it, maybe bite it a bit to cause more blood and he nods as an answer to the question, he fucking loves it so much.  
“I actually thought about you, when I decided to have it…” Zayn continues when he realises that he won’t get a proper response out of the blonde. “Yeah?” Niall murmurs. “Yeah. Wings, you know, like an angel. And you’re my angel so…” He murmurs back, coming off as a bit shy, a bit nervous about the reaction and he scratches his neck. He actually got a tattoo in the thought of, almost dedicated (actually dedicated to a full but he won’t say that as a definite fact), a permanent thing on his chest to his boyfriend. No shit he’s proper nervous about it. But he doesn’t need to worry because Niall leans in, ignoring the disappointment to not have the tattoo in sight anymore, and places his slicked lips next to his boyfriend’s ear. “I can’t wait to see if my lips fit too”  
~  
Sure, Niall lives, meaning that he breathes and he eats most of the time and sometimes he’s social and goes to parties but it doesn’t reach the whole way, you know? Because his breathing becomes shallow and his lungs hurt when he thinks about what he’s lost and food doesn’t always tastes as delicious, rarely even. He hangs out with boys, and his old friends such as Sean, and drinks one pint that becomes two and never ends in anything other than, “please, can I have another?” and then he wakes up in the morning with a splitting headache and in a bed that’s either too warm or too cold. Liam’s always there to hold him when he breaks down, whether it’s soundlessly or not, and he helps, he does, but Niall still doesn’t feel complete yet. It bothers him. It bothers him how he sits in the car, waiting for them to get to the next venue, the next arena, the next hotel room and the flashbacks hit him like a train running off the rails. He doesn’t know what to do except for cuddling into a corner, bury his hands deep in his pockets to not scratch them against each other and close his eyes and remember: remember what he doesn’t want to relive or forget. To be honest, he doesn’t know what he wants. He just knows that he doesn’t want this.  
~  
There’s a heavy, demanding, knocking on his door and Niall’s smart enough to put together two and two to lead to who stands behind the wooden door; but he’s also smart enough to not move from the sofa where he’s seated. He’s been crying too hard during the latest hour that he barely can feel his face, it’s all swollen and red and he really doesn’t care. It has always been his biggest issue: he just doesn’t care. Or, he really cares too much, as now, - there’s a thin line between those two.  
The knocking is accompanied by a voice, a voice so familiar it finds its way into his ears and it burns, the familiarity fucking burns. Usually loving, velvet, amused - recently angry, annoyed and tired – has turned desperate. “Open baby, please, open the door” He screams and Niall almost starts laughing, it’s quite bizarre actually, that fucking that chick blew up all his brain cells because he owns a key, it’s their fucking apartment, their. But he doesn’t laugh, he just sinks further down into his castle of blankets and pillows and empty ice cream cans, like that would shield him from what has happened and what will happen when Zayn’s brain starts working again to remember that he can lock up the door.  
Like telepathy he hears the key work and he takes a deep breath, as to steady himself, at no use really, because the tears are still flooding down his blotchy cheeks and he feels awful in at least twenty different ways. It takes a few seconds before Zayn’s in front of him and Niall breaks. That how he’d describe it: he breaks. His lungs contract and he can’t breathe which causes every other part of his body to disconnect. He feels like he could fly, he’s so light, if it weren’t for the heavy weight in his belly that keeps him on the ground, far, far down.  
During Niall’s inner turmoil has the raven fallen down on his knees, tears pricking his eyes, his hands flying out to grab Niall’s and he doesn’t react at first, because he’s disconnected, but suddenly it burns again. He yanks his hands away, moving back impossibly. His facial expression screams betrayal, majorly, but a bit of fear and utter sadness outlines his features. This action consequences in a fall of the hope in Zayn’s jet black eyes – Niall almost laughs again because what the hell, what did he expect? That he would throw himself into his arms and embrace the fact that his boyfriend, ex-boyfriend thank you very much, shagged someone that wasn’t him? Fuck no. Zayn tries words instead of touches: “Baby, I’m sorry, it’s not what you think, I promise. Please, baby” But he’s speaking to dead ears, Niall’s not listening. He stopped hearing the fallen letters and drifted away, numb numb numb. Like a chant. The other boy’s not catching on though; he keeps speaking, keeps throwing apologies and explanation sthat don’t matter to the blond boy.  
Niall feels his lungs constrict harder, leaving air out, and he can’t open his mouth to say stop, please, stop so he just sits there, praying for it all to go away. He wants to close his eyes, shut everything out but his body doesn’t follow what the brain instructs and he’s terrified of so many things in this moment. He doesn’t even react when somebody enters the apartment until he hears plenty of voices he recognizes, and there’re here, Liam’s here and he’s screaming at Zayn and Niall’s still not functioning enough to hear but there’s a lot of noise and how does he cope with this?  
Zayn’s gone. Suddenly, he’s gone. Niall tries to feel, he really does, but it burns too much to know if it’s because Zayn’s gone or because he’s not there anymore. The next thing he knows is three pairs of arms wrapping around him, pushing him back into his protecting castle and he cries until he doesn’t have any tears left and falls asleep next to his now three best mates.  
~  
There’re in the recording studio in London, back to basic, back to where they started and now continue with their third album. No one ever thought that they’d be without a band member at this point, already?, and it caused troubles in so many ways. Zayn was kicked out at the end of their world tour, with seven dates left, and the fanbase broke down. They all missed Zayn, of course they did –do-, but the ones who believed the rumours behind the kicking out felt too bad about the Irishman to make that ruin the concept of One Direction.  
It was even worse for the band members though – except for the fact that Niall shut down everything and everyone, especially Louis and Harry became sad and lost a lot of energy to continue the band at all. Of course Liam was sad as well, he just refused to show it, as he was the one taking care of Niall to the most. It was also somewhere here Niall and Liam became NiallandLiam and no one kind of know how it all happened, not even themselves, but they supported each other. After a month of conflicts and deliberating they reached the conclusion that they’d continue going strong – as a band – even if Zayn wasn’t involved.  
It’s four months later, tears and laughter later, and Niall’s watching Harry and Liam jam out in the recording booth: Liam beatboxes as Harry is desperately trying to come up with some clever ram at the spot and it can’t end up like anything else but a catastrophe. Louis clutches his stomach, almost crying with laughter and Niall is sporting a quite big smile as well. It’s almost as it used to be. Until the door opens and reveals a familiar, yet pictured as a stranger, face.  
With a bit shorter hair, the famous quiff is gone, and replaced but hair hanging low on his head, almost like he woke up like that today and every other day. He’s thinner – it’s visible – his skinny jeans cling around his bum and slender legs. He’s wearing a white shirt which brings his tanned skin into focus. The glasses are on, tilting on his nose. He takes a deep breath before he opens his mouth to say in his clear Bradford accent “Hi guys. Do you think you’d need another voice?”


	2. I am going to stay right here, I'll sit by your side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn's back and everyone's emotional and yeah...i threw in a ziall flashback there somewhere also

“ZAYN” It’s Harry’s voice that reaches the air first and it’s also Harry’s arms that wrap around Zayn’s waist first. He holds him tight – like he’s missed him every day of these four months - which is true, and Zayn’s chocked, the surprise is painted in bright colours and soft features on his face but he smiles. He smiles and hugs Harry back with the same force. During this time, Louis, realises the situation and maybe also realises how glad he is that his partner in crime is back, and throws himself at the other two, toppling them over, falling down on the ground, shouting with happiness. No one can blame them though, honestly. One of their best mates is back, and everyone knows how much he’s been missed whatever he’s done, and everything is forgotten in that moment. All Harry and Louis can focus on is how Zayn familiar scent is tickling their noses – mostly mint, faint cologne that tries to cover the smoke (that is stronger than usual) and...Warmth – and both Harry and Louis know, as they catch each other’s eyes over the mess of limbs, that they will not let go of him again. 

Niall is always pale, obviously from his Irish background, but if you were to look at him now, you’d think that he’d been replaced by a ghost judging by the colour of his face. He’s chanting under his breath, things that make no sense to Liam’s ears at first, so he leans closer to the blond, while placing a hand on his arm, and he hears it. The broken mumbling of a heart that’s been through too much. “He’s back, oh god, he’s back. What is he doing here, he’s not supposed to be here, why is he here, fuck, he’s back”. Once again is Liam overwhelmed with the feeling called concern: it’s mainly concern he’s feeling nowadays along with the horrendous feeling that you’re not able to help. He doesn’t know what to do to make Niall feel better even if he tries – he tries until he doesn’t know anything more to try and he holds him and press gentle kisses to his brow when he’s lost for words. And he’s seen a progress, moments like the one before Zayn decided to burst through the door, where Niall’s smiling, and quite happy, Liam like to think. 

He loves it when Niall’s happy. Liam can sit and look at the boy laughing and feel like the sun is shining because the person he loves is happy. He’d do anything to keep him like that: like he was before Zayn fucked everything up. Zayn always made him happy, until he left. It’s Liam’s job now. And he’s not going to fail. So he grabs Niall’s waist and leads him out of the room, away from the others and send him into the arms of Lou with a look that says “don’t ask” before he re-enters the room.

“So it’s true?” Zayn is raging, ignoring the worried glances sent from Harry and Louis, to look straight into the eyes of Liam. He’s standing a couple of meters away from said boy which Liam feels is necessary, because even if he’s the strongest out of the five and doesn’t have a reason to fear the strength Zayn possesses, he still doesn’t fancy a fistfight. And Zayn looks like he’d fancy one, fuck, he looks like he’d attack Liam any second. He probably wouldn’t, there’s a lot at stake here, but Liam can’t help but standing on his toes, because you never know. With thought of what Zayn’s already done; Liam doesn’t know what he’s capable of anymore. “You’re with him?” Zayn continues, his teeth clenched in anger and his words barely manage to break free. Liam’s about to answer, no he’s actually about to meet Zayn’s anger and curse him for everything he’s done, but before he has the time to, he senses something in the way Zayn moves. They’re (were? are?) best friends after all. Zayn’s shaking and at first Liam saw it as anger but suddenly it’s no longer concealed and he looks...devastated. Like he’s destroyed himself to the edge of the world and walked back from there, without stopping, to here. Like he hasn’t thought about anything else that this one person, while beating himself up to no end. He looks like he’d do anything to get this person back, Niall that is – Liam’s much but he’s far from stupid – and with this realisation Liam decides on two things. One: He’ll not let Zayn get close to Niall again. In his head he promises what he’s before, countless of times, promised to Niall’s face: I’m going to take care of you. That’s why he also decides on number two: How he’s going to get rid of him. 

Don’t get Liam wrong, he’s missed Zayn as well: when they’re on stage and he’s about to floor Harry and he needs someone to help him and he looks up and looks around and it takes a few seconds to realise that the raven isn’t there. Or when he’s tired on the tour bus and the others can't seem to be serious for just one moment and he craves someone to sit closely, silently next to. He cried himself to sleep almost every day the first week; but he did it discreetly as he didn't want to bring more pain to the others. Someone had to be strong through it all and Liam took that role without blinking. But his sadness soon grew into anger, the way Zayn had jeopardized, not only the band, but Niall's whole being, were something that tore at Liam's seams. That's why he chooses maybe the cruelest way: the truth.

"Yes. I'm with him" Liam states calmly as response to Zayn’s outburst. He studied his reaction and therefore doesn't he miss the furiously blinking of chocolate eyes and the softness created by tears behind. "How could you do that to me?" Zayn's screaming now, his hands forming fists and once again says Liam's intuition that maybe he should back a few steps but he fights the urge, as the Bradford boy's strikes the spot that burns. And Liam loses it. "How I could do this to you? Are you mental? The real question here is how you could do this to him?" He inhales quickly and buries his eyes into Zayn's before he starts again. "Have you seen him since you left? No, of course you haven't because you fucking left, but he broke, Zayn. The first weeks we didn't even recognize him" He looks at Louis and Harry here, as waiting for their agreement, but as they don't voice anything, he continues. "I was there to comfort him the day you torn him to pieces. I was there the morning after, holding him as he cried himself dry. I've been there for him every night since you left since he can't bear to sleep alone. I've also been there for him every day, just to get him through and kissing him to make him feel loved. I have, Zayn, I have. Not you" 

Liam's eyes are still directed at Zayn but he doesn't look anymore; he doesn't see. He's too angry that it all blurs together into a mess and that's how he doesn't notice the tears now falling freely from the other boy's cheeks, clouding his sight. "So do him a favour, you owe him that, and leave. You've trashed him enough" He spits out that last part and as he turns around to exit the room, the way Niall had run out a few minutes earlier, and looks at Louis and Harry "Now excuse me, I'm going to find Niall"

~

“Zayn?” Niall mumbles into the back of said boy’s head as the two of them are seated on the red couch in Niall’s apartment. It’s a normal thing for them to have it like this with an evening off: limbs tangled together, a couple of beers, a footie game on the telly (is it needed to say that it was Niall who started it?). They’re usually so relaxed around each other, searching for each other when either of them needs to let go of everything around them and just breathe, but Niall’s been restless today. He’s not been able to sit still, constantly switching position, or rising from the sofa without even needing anything, to walk around and then go back to playing with Zayn’s hair. Which, by the way, is let down and slightly damp after his shower. All this has given enough clues for Zayn to understand that something’s on Niall’s mind - though he saw it the second he walked through the door but let’s not acknowledge that, - but he waits him out as he know that the blonde needs to come to him to relieve what’s bothering him. 

Zayn just nods to show Niall that he’s listening, though his eyes never leave the game going on in front of him. He feels how Niall breathes – his mouth is not too far away from his neck (or too far away but no, let’s not go there either) and he’s just so comfortable like this. “Have you ever been in love?” And the question floors Zayn, he tries to not show that, because of all things he could’ve guessed, it wasn’t this. The first thought that reaches Zayn’s mind is ‘fuck, please don’t tell me he’s fallen in love with someone, please don’t tell me that’. It makes him panic inside because Niall shouldn’t love anyone other than him, according to him. Sure, he can love the other boys as best friends, and his brother, and Sean like a best mate as well, and his parents. But he can’t fall in love. He’s going to fall in love with Zayn, he just isn’t aware of that yet.

The second thought that reaches Zayn’s mind also causes panic. What is he going to answer? He’s been “in love” when he was younger, the first kiss when he was eleven felt like love when he was, just, eleven. The girl who more or less was his girlfriend before the band also felt like love, but it was a long time ago, he doesn’t know for sure. How do you ever know if it’s not happening in this exact moment? If you don’t feel it now? Because then, he’d say yes. He’s very convinced that he’s in love, in this exact moment, with the boy pulling with his hair, impatient for an answer to his question.

So Zayn does his best to avoid answering, but still wants to be honest “Y’know, I’ve had girlfriends...and crushes. But I don’t know, being in love, it’s so big, like, I don’t know how to grasp in when it’s in the past? I would only know if it’s happening now” Niall moves his hands down to the nape of his neck and pulls his hair and shit, Zayn bites his lip to not let out anything else stupid escape his lips. “So... are you in love now? In this exact moment?” Zayn feels his heart stop beating because, fuck, he doesn’t want to answer this either. Even less, to be honest. “Maybe” he mumbles quietly and curses himself for not being able to lie completely to Niall, even when it’s necessary. “Maybe?” He can feel how Niall smiles. “You just said that you’d be sure of your feelings if it was happening now.” The raven almost facepalms himself because he’s just so stupid sometimes when he tries to put his philosophic thoughts into words and especially Niall makes him want to say smart things because he always grants him for it. And then he does the opposite. 

“Yes” He finally says. No more, just one word, and he hears, though it might be a hallucination, that Niall’s breathing hitches. “Why haven’t you told me?” Niall questions, his voice a bit hurt, and Zayn has to bite his tongue to not laugh aloud, because why? Because it’s you he wants to scream. Instead he settles with a shrug. It’s obvious that Niall isn’t pleased with this as the moves from behind Zayn to, clumsily, climb so he sits in his lap, facing the other boy. 

“I asked you because... because I’m also in love. With someone. And I’m kind of lost” His blue orbs stare into Zayn’s brown and god, he really wants to finish his beer and leave and cry and never show his face every again because Niall’s in love and he’s telling Zayn about it because they’re best mates and he just doesn’t want to know it. But he tries to joke, because they’re best friends, and says “You’re always lost, you idiot. I’m not surprised” and he looks at Niall with that fond look he tries to hide because it’s that evident that he feels it himself but the Irish one is so stupid and Zayn’s so stupid in love and…. They’re kissing. No, Niall’s kissing Zayn and Zayn just sits there because he’s slow. He doesn’t get what’s happening and before his body reacts, Niall has pulled away a few centimeters and is whispering to his face “I saw how you looked at me, this exact moment. You know it too. Now kiss me back, stupid” And Zayn does.  
~  
Later Louis finds Liam alone in his hotel room; he’s a bit surprised with this as he didn’t expected him to be there, or alone, but he thought he’d try anyway and it turned out to be a good choice. They always have the keys to each other’s rooms so Louis just walks in, if not gently, to lie down next to Liam on the bed. Said boy doesn’t say anything, just lies there soundless, motionless, and Louis sighs internally, considering for a minute how he’s supposed to do this. When he’s gone over it in his head, a few minutes have passed, and he curls up next to Liam, nuzzling his face into his neck and wraps his arms around his waist. “Don’t freak out now…” he begins, carefully, and strokes the skin that’s showing where his shirt has risen, because he knows that this kind of touch calms Liam down. “But Zayn’s back in the band. Whether you, or anyone else, agree or not. Management has said so and so it is”. Liam closes his eyes at this and Louis can feel who Liam’s muscles tense, but he pretends not to. He continues; “Honestly, I’m happy to have him back. I know you are, too” 

“I also know that this isn’t ideal because of what has happened… and Niall and Zayn in the same room most of the time… but Niall has you, Li, he has you and he’s been better lately, you’re good for him” Louis says this with a bitter taste in his mouth, because he has to. Because this is not about him. It’s never about him. He shakes his head furiously, digging his nose deeper into the neck of Liam. “Apparently he did volunteering, took care of kids, when he was gone. Management likes the thought of that. For the press. And we need Zayn, you know that. He’s too good to let go of; not only his voice, but we others are not our best without him either”.  
Liam is still quiet, but he puts an arm around Louis back and pulls him closer to his chest and Louis wants to cry because the Wolverhampton boy is so much bigger than what he is and how did they get into this mess. But he also knows that Liam has listened and that he’ll do his best. Because he’s Liam and because this all is concerning best mates and you don’t let go of best mates just like that. 

It falls on Harry to tell Niall, who had predicted a few hours of consoling him, hugging him, watching movies, eating ice cream, but no. No screaming, no crying. Just silence, a few nods and a ”I figured”. Harry doesn’t know which is worse. This Niall, the quite, drawn back side of him scares Harry because he’s somehow too emotionless like that. It’s not the bubbly, carefree Niall that’s usually beside Harry, goofing around like there’s no tomorrow. Not the Niall who he steals food from and always earns a bitchslap for, not the boy who agrees to go shopping with him but when they’re there decides that it is too boring and convinces Harry to take him to the nearest pub to share banter over a beer each (Harry doesn’t even like beer). This Niall actually acts like there’s no tomorrow and it hurts every fiber in Harry’s body to see this happening. 

So Harry hugs him anyways, because he needs it, he’s sure of it, and traces circles on his back and whispers that everything’s going to be okay and that he’s so very much loved until Niall’s sound asleep, tired from all emotions he keeps inside. Harry doesn’t move for a long time, he doesn’t move until he’s secured that Niall won’t fall out of the bed (because he tends to do that, or so Zayn told them a long time ago) and leaves him with a kiss on the forehead, to exit the room and meet up with, just, Zayn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing more to say than that i hope you've enjoyed this chapter as well :)  
> Feedback is much appreciated x.


	3. I will try to get you out because it's beautiful outside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for the delay!!  
> I was abroad for two months and my computer broke directly after I posted the last chapter.  
> I promise to be better. Hope you'll still enjoy x.

No one expected it to be anything else than awkward, hell, there's so many issues going on in this band - some not even adressed yet - but Harry hoped with every little part of his big heart that the meeting wouldn't end with nasty bruises and broken bones (or even worse; more crushed hearts). He actually prayed for this silently as he walked to get Niall (or collect whatever's left of him, but no, Harry doesn't want to think like that) at the hotel's back garden. He knows this because he texted Niall earlier "where r u bro?", "outside", "why's that?", "liam and louis" and Harry understood, because he's one of those persons who understands without speaking loud, or at all, about it. 

So after hanging with Zayn for lunch - this only known by Louis, but no lying, no, just... nobody _asked_ \- he goes to deal with Niall since Louis' dealing with Liam (or the other way around, who really knows). As hinted he finds him in the garden - or "outside" (Harry laughs at this because it's so typical Niall to never be precise) - and slumps down on the grass beside him, an arm around his waist and his curly head on his shoulder, because maybe Niall needs to feel a bit needed also and not always needing. 

"We need to get back to the studio, we're practising our sad excuse for choreography today" Harry mumbles into Niall's neck after a while and he's satisfied to see how it tugs at the corner of the blond's mouth. "Yeah, wouldn't want to miss that" he says and continues cheekily. "Especially our syncronized moves". Harry grins at this and elbows him gently in the side. "You and I totally know what we're doing and together we're gonna concure the woooorld" His voice rises at the end and he's shouting out the words and Niall's nearly toppling over with laughter (and Harry watches between his own bubbling laughter and maybe Niall's laughing a bit too hysterically - like he's broken but desperately tired of it - and it hurts Harry so badly but it's better to have him laughing than crying so he continues). "I wish I wasn't lying, but you're the worst though, you can barely stand on your feet without falling over mate, even less dance!" Niall's shrieking with laughter now but is quick to defend himself, "I'm not the worst though, Zayn's fucking horrible" 

It's not until he's finished the sentence that he realises what he let slip and he frozes. Harry screams every curse he knows in every language he knows (which is not many, really), one or three times, inside his head. This is not a good start for what's waiting ten minutes, a hundred meters from here. And he doesn't know what to do because his heart's broken for Niall - it's even broken for Zayn - but even his own cracks a little... he can't take sides. He loves them both, so much, no matter what has happend. So he tries with "You should be glad that you're not the worst" and winks and when Niall seems okay with that he shoots him a fond smile and cuddles into his side again.  
After a couple of minutes of silence they start to move and as they walk the brunette whispers into the irish boy's ear: "You can do anything, remember that. You're golden" and connects their pinkies. 

~ 

"Since when do you do drugs?" Niall tries so, so hard to not screm and he succeeds, but his voice is rough and strangled as he clenches his teeth to not give into his fury. His arms are crossed over his chest and if he was a little bit less angry he'd notice that he comes off as a mother scolding her child. He would also remember that Zayn absolutely hates when he does that, but then again, everything's colored a deep shade of red and he can't see straight. 

"Since a few weeks back, why do you care?" Zayn shrugs back as an answer and that ticks Niall off, Zayn knows that, when he doesn't take what Niall says seriously. And right now there's so many things Niall want to say - scream - because this is not the first time Zayn's been doing things out of line, out of character, the last month. Things that by no means are okay, whether it's concerning Zayn, himself or the band. 

"I care becayse it's fucking stupid and dangerous and you're ruining it for all of us - inclouding yourself - if you continue with his shit" (maybe Niall could've frased that better than he did but he's _so tired_ : the tour is exhausting, the constant following wherever the go, endless interviews, everything. And he misses Ireland and his family and friends and above all this is his boyfriend acting out of control - Niall just can't shut up anymore).

He can't defend Zayn anymore after he's said idiotic stuff in interviews, can't keep his mouth shut anymore about the damage he's doing to all of them - the trashed hotelroom in Australia - everyone was on the for weeks, paps, fans, family, management. It was hell. And as usual, Niall's anger sparks Zayn. His temper has always been bad but lately... Niall doesn't want to think about it, and now he's screaming. 

"Lay off me for god's sake Niall, you're exaggerating" he glares, his eyes on the verge of black (the color is frightningly similar to when he pushes Niall tight against a wall, biting down on his pale neck because he wants him now). Niall doesn't doubt that Zayn would push him against a wall any time now, but maybe not out of lust but out of anger and it scares the blond. The fact that it could happen and hurt, sure, but most of all that Niall (and Zayn) are so far gone to actually believe that it could actually happen. 

Because it's always been Zayn - even before they got together - that was at Niall's side first if all (quicker than the bodyguards and Paul's quite fast) when they got mobbed and Niall was close to hyperventilating because of claustrophobia. Zayn was always first to defend him with words and an arm around his shoulders when the interviewer would say something remotedly hurtful directed at Niall. Also on dates, because Niall found himself on many of there before Zayn (before he made Zayn his, even though he always was, but Niall was oblivious to this at first) Zayn made sure that they treated him right (much to Niall's confusion and even amusement, once in a while). This because Zayn could be really mean or overly happy or stay up to wait for him at night or text him stupid things during the date. "He isn't raping you?? you'd tell me if he was right", "hope he paid", "don't let him mess up your hair or you're both dead :) x", "when are you coming home babe, i'm booored xx".

"I'm not exaggerating! I just don't want you to ruin our careers, or I don't know, kill yourself?" Niall bites back and somehow he's edged closer without really noticing, and they're close now, breathing into each other's personal space. "That's not gonna happen" Zayn growls, his face hard - anger fully evident on his face. "You're just being an idiot" he continues and Niall snaps. He steps forward and grips the collar of the bloody red shirt the raven's wearing and pulls him in the last distance. 

"You make me so mad" Niall voice comes out as a mix between a whine and groan and Zayn respondes by balling Niall's wifebeater hard - just so it rises and exposes his pale and flat stomach (this is the part of Niall that Zayn's so obscuredly obsessed with and he would love to tattoo his way up Niall's side, from hip and over ribs, but he hasn't gotten permission to do so yet so he usually settles with lovebites in different colours which isn't so bad either). He connects their lips roughly; teeth would hurt and mouths would bleed if this hadn't happen countless times before. Even like this they know each other so well, inside out, fit so well together like the yin and yang tattoo Zayn's got (it was from before they even met but Zayn can't help but see that as a sign, a prediction - if only he'd known).

It doesn't take long for them to claw off each other's clothes and forcefully, ruthlessly, stumble to bed and it's a war of touches - creating bruises, love bites, broken lips - with the reason of who's getting to fuck who. It's not like either of them minds to bottom, but in the anger and frustration they both want to properly show the other who's right and who's the strongest and do that by pounding the other into the mattress. Depending on argument the positions change and this time Niall wins after a particularly long rolling around. He gets his hand free and reaches for the raven's neck and his grip is tight - he brings him down to his mouth and mangages to get his pink, rawbitten lips on Zayn's collarbone and the raven goes into submission, just like that. Niall grins evily and takes the oppotunity that is down in front of him. He flips them over to stadle the English boy and locks his hands above jet black, messy hair. 

He _likes_ the control he has over the boy underneath him. He _likes_ how he can explain in touches what he can't in words. Manhandling shows the desperation he feels without him needing to voice it; like this he doesn't need to swallow his pride and say it. He _hates_ how he can't seem to reach his boyfriend anymore. They can't talk without screaming and all the mess he's caught them in is tearing at Niall's seams. But worst of all is the drugs. 

Niall really hates drugs. He knows them too well, he's not been involved directly but his friends had and he only caught the consequences and not the so called buzz. He swore that when he stayed one neverending night at the hospital with a close friend those years ago, that he'd never let anyone near that kind of fuckery again. And he intends to keep that promise as he buries his face in Zayn's neck to bruise it in every way possible. 

And then he's inside Zayn and light is mixed with dark and no one's sure who's which and he pounds into him as hard as he manages in an attempt to show that _this is not okay, this is not working, we're gonna break like this and i can't handle it_ and when his thighs starts to tremble from exhaustion and his stomachs starts to tighten he releases Zayn's hands (who immediatly wrap around his back to press him closer) and leans down to kiss him to show that _fuck, i still love you so very much_. 

~ 

They're on the on stage, not exactly practising dancemoves, but more like, trying to be coordinated. Louis's by Liam's side, doing everything in his power to make the other boy laugh. He manages, like he always does, by making a fool out of himself: either by exaggerating the moves or making faces behind their trainer's back as he turns around to show some lame step that no one really cares about. And Liam enjoys it - it's obvious to anyone watching as his eyes crinkle because of the inability to contain the enormous grin covering his face and Louis smiles as well - but it's more because of a happy Liam than anything else. 

This only pushes Louis to try even harder, he's never turned down a challenge before and this is about _Liam_ damn it, so he decides that laying down on the floor while pretending to be a seal is a good idea. No one but Liam is noticing until Louis starts to actually make sounds that goes along with the act and Liam breaks. He clutches his stomach hard, almost falling over with laughter and the Louis doesn't even bother to cover the smug grin plastering his face.  
When Liam has started to breathe again (the rest of the boys are giggling in the background because nothing makes you forget about your problems as Louis imitating an animal) he stands up and throws an very muscular (Louis' opinion) arm around the smaller boys shoulders. "I love you, Louis" Liam laughs into his ear and just like that, Louis' heart constricts to later, when he's alone in his hotelroom, fall into a million pieces. _Again_. 

While everybody's goofing around (Louis entertaining Liam, Zayn showing Harry a dancemove some kid he met taught him) Niall walks around and he's bored. He's bored and feels reckless and that's never a good combination for Niall (for anyone actually) and he knows this, but he also knows that when you're feeling like this you don't stop to think. Think is not essenstial. So he jumps around on the stage, trying to catch Josh attention who is fixing something on his drumkit and when he gets his attention he screams "Look at this, man" and tries to twirl around like the ballerina he isn't. 

He doesn't fall and the first few seconds he grins and sends a thank you to his guarding angel - but as he stops, somehow, he pulls something in his neck and it fucking hurts like a _bitch_. He moans in pain and as Zayn is the first thing to come to mind he curses out loud because of course it's his faul. It's his faul that Niall hasn't slept well the two latest night - tossing and turning and falling in positions that kills his neck when he wakes up (beside Liam, but that's not relevant right now because Niall's pissed off). 

It doesn't take long for someone to be by his side, forcing him to sit down on one of the speakers and Niall wishes for it to be either Harry (he has great hands) or Liam (because he has great hands as well), but it's not. Probably because this is the worst week in Niall's life (not really, but it's still fucking horrible).

"Let me fix it" He mumbles and his soft, though a bit bony, hands move, _knead_ , Niall's sore neck and it feels too good for words. How his long and slender fingers find the right spots to put pressure on is taught and known and Niall's muscles relax in a way they haven't in forever - but Niall will shrug that away as something due to the lenght of time since he last got a neck massage and not the fact that Zayn's done this endless of times before and is familiar with every tiny little change of muscle in Niall's body. (And that it's Zayn, of course, but Niall doesn't dare to even consider that) 

When Niall lets a groan slip out from inbetween his now chewed dry lips - he curses soundlessly because this really shouldn't happen - he stiffens under Zayn's warm touch and it just doesn't feel that good anymore. Zayn notices and removes his fingers from Niall's now flushed skin, but not before he hesitates and whispers in a cracked, rough from silence, voice: "thank you" and at first Niall doesn't get it - shouldn't he be the one to say thanks as he was the one who recieved the back rub but then it dawns back upon him and - "don't expect anything from me just because I let you touch my neck" he says between clenched teeth, but he has yet to move. "You gave me no choice" Niall knows how ridiculous that sounds, but Zayn doesn't acknowledge it as he simply answers "I won't" to close the conversation. 

But Niall's far from close, he's far from done. Maybe his words are more for himself than the boy standing behind him when he spits out "I just really needed a backrub. Not you. No, I didn't need you" The words are stumbling out of his mouth and if Niall was to turn around he'd notice a hardness in the raven's features - a war between regret and utter hoplessness - "I know", he mumbles back, even more quiet this time. "Next time I'll ask Liam" Niall continues, which makes no sense whatsoever because Niall never asked for the help in the first place, Zayn was just suddenly there, but it doesn't matter, because as they don't see each others' faces they grow confident and ruthless - in Niall's case - or too fumbling and out of control - Zayn. 

When Niall stands up and walks out of the room without turning around to face the other boy he misses all the words that want to be said to him and the arms that want to hold him and even the time who wants to be spent with him. Zayn does no longer have the connection to send them from mind to mind. Nor does he have the courage to follow the blond boy, or scream out his feelings, for that matter. So he stays. But while he does, he wishes. And God, he wishes strongly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't seem to write a story without sidepairings :) :) :)

**Author's Note:**

> Would love to hear some feedback guys :)
> 
> ~ Sophie


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